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Operation
The next stage all
happened really quickly. I was still getting over my jetlag and 3 week
drinking binge when I met the consultant who was going to chop off one
of the boys. Pretty straight forward, he said it was just like a hernia
operation, which wasn’t a great help as I hadn’t had one of them either.
I did have a random thought about birds and I’m glad I’m not one - at
least with a bloke, the bits are on the outside!
It was humorous
having a discussion about fake balls while your mum’s in the room. It
was like going in to select a hockey stick when I was younger. Not
really knowing what I’m looking for but weighing up each of them to see
which takes your fancy. MMMMmmmm this ones a tad big, tad small, too
heavy, too light….Clearly bottled getting a big maraca of a ball and
went for one the same size. Yes I’m a boring bastard, I was going to
enquire about getting an inflatable one but thought best not.
As told the operation was really straight
forward and as I knew chemo was coming round the corner I didn’t really
see it as a big issue. I mean look at the facts, you’ve got cancer, the
quicker it comes out and chemo starts the better chance you have of
curing it. No point getting upset, it needs to be done and that’s the
end of it. The only decision that you have any say over is whether you
get the fake one or not. Oh, random fact about getting fake ball, you
get an implant passport. I wonder whether birds with fake tits get them
too?
After the op I wasn’t too ill at all. I
still went to the local for cheeky pints and dragged all my mates to
Manchester for a piss up. Well it would have been rude not too as I knew
I wouldn’t be up for beers during chemo. Clearly I was a little delicate
in the trouser department and certainly wasn’t going to star in a porno
but I was okay.
Will I get hardons
anymore? I watched the “secretary” film, which soon put an end to that
question. The concept of sex was still a little daunting but I knew I
had to go to the wank bank next week to freeze some of the boys. Nothing
can prepare you for wank bank conversations with the doctor in front of
your mother. My advice is to tell the doctor beforehand that he really
doesn’t need to bring it up mid conversation when talking about the next
steps.
My mum being the
supportive person that she is kindly offered to take me to the clinic to
put the chaps on ice and wait for me outside!!! I know, I know, there I
am struggling with the pain of it all and I’ve got my mum tapping on the
door to make sure everything is okay. Not the best way to get the job
done. Note: Yes, I had private medical care and no, a cute nurse doesn’t
help you. NEXT
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